And The Award For Best Sarcasm Goes To
by Red Witch
Summary: The Figgis Agency may not be the best detective agency in the world. But they are the best at what they do.


**The disclaimer telling you that I don't own any Archer characters is upset because it wasn't nominated for an Oscar. Or any award actually. This is just something insane that came into my tiny little brain as I watched the Oscars.**

 **And The Award For Best Sarcasm Goes To…**

It started as these things tend to start. With a meeting. Again, it was called by Archer.

"I'm serious," Archer told the gang in the bullpen. "We should consider turning our agency into a bodyguard agency. Full time. You know? In case this whole private eye thing doesn't work out."

"Which honestly it looks like it's not," Ray remarked.

"Gee. How unexpected," Mallory said sarcastically. "One of Sterling's brilliant ideas **not** working. _However_ did this happen?"

"And why are you so interested in being a bodyguard?" Lana folded her arms. "Whose body **exactly** do you want to guard?"

"Here it comes," Pam rolled her eyes.

"This is some stupid angle to try to get near Veronica Deane, isn't it?" Lana snapped.

"Honestly, she could use some decent protection," Archer shrugged.

"Yeah from your dick!" Lana snapped.

"DING!" Krieger took out a handheld device of some sort. "They **did it!"**

"They **did**?" Mallory gasped.

"Is that what I **think** it is?" Ray asked. "Is that it?"

"It is," Krieger said. "It's official."

"It is?" Pam asked. "Already?"

"I thought it would take longer," Cyril asked. "Okay Krieger! Hit it!"

"Got it!" Krieger pressed another button. "Let's get this party started!"

Just then a shower of confetti fell from the ceiling. Music played as well as a mini light show went on. Falling from the celling was a large banner saying FIVE HUNDRED FIGHTS ACCOMPLISHED!

"What the…?" Archer looked around.

Soon Archer and Lana found themselves in the spotlight. "Congratulations Archer and Lana!" Cyril cheered. "You two have reached your five hundredth argument about Veronica Deane!"

"YAAAYYYYY!" Pam cheered and clapped her hands.

"ALL RIGHT!" Cheryl pulled out some party poppers and popped them. "WAY TO GO!"

"Bravo! Bravo!" Ray and Krieger clapped.

"Ms. Archer if you'd like to do the honors?" Cyril called out.

Mallory walked up to them carrying a small plaque. "I'd like to give you two this commemorative plaque celebrating your accomplishment of having the same fight for over six months. It truly is an honor to give this to you."

She handed the plaque to Archer. "Uh…" Archer blinked. "Thanks…"

"Sterling as your mother I have to tell you," Mallory smiled. "This is an achievement I honestly think you could not accomplish. But you did."

"But he didn't do it alone!" Ray added.

"That's right Ray!" Cyril said cheerfully. "You have to give Lana her due."

"And here is your award!" Ray walked up with a plaque for Lana and gave it for her. "For Best Enabler."

"Honestly Sterling could not have achieved this **without you,"** Mallory said honestly.

"Let's give them both a big hand everybody!" Cyril shouted.

Lana and Archer stood there stunned as everyone else clapped and cheered. Pam took out her camera and took a picture.

"This is going on the wall!" Pam said. "And my blog!"

"Well everyone," Cyril said as the music turned off and the lights changed back to normal. "There's a little celebration at Pita Margarita's we've set up and we are going to go there now. And by we, I mean everybody here **except** Archer and Lana."

"First round is on me," Mallory said. "I did lose the bet after all. That Sterling and Lana wouldn't achieve such an impressive goal."

"And now I'm going to work on my goal of getting wasted!" Pam grinned.

"YEAH!" Cheryl cheered as they left.

"I can't wait until their **thousandth fight** about Veronica Deane," Ray said cheerfully. "Maybe we could throw a parade?"

"You're the expert on that," Mallory remarked.

They left a stunned Lana and Archer alone in the bullpen. Holding their trophies amid the mess of confetti.

"I should be angry," Archer blinked. "But I gotta admit. That's the most well planned and well executed use of sarcasm I've ever seen."


End file.
